The North East welcomes you to the Econapocalypse Centre!

Taking inspiration from Eyam, the home of the Black Death, we’ve turned the Tyne-Tees region into a brand new theme park where we invite you and your family to spend a week within the annals of capitalistic history.

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You’ll disembark at Middlesbrough, where you’ll be able to exchange your Yuan for freshly printed ‘Darling Dollars’. This fun currency sports a holographic British chancellor on the front, whose hair and eyebrows alternate between black and white as you twist the note.

Once inside the park you’ll be taken by open-top bus to the local Steelworks, which shuts down at 10am every day. Thousands of our best street performers and homeless will re-enact walkouts, picket lines, street riots and more, all ending in a spectacular display of firebombing!

The following day and it’s all aboard the ‘ghost tram’ which travels through the former pit villages. Be afraid, be very afraid as meth-heads leap out from nowhere and SCREAM. Watch out for those bricks folks *bang* ha ha, don’t worry, our reinforced windows will keep those kids out, it’s all part of the show!

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Once in Newcastle, take a walk down the high streets and see our world famous plastic retail stores and waxwork shoppers. Several souvenir (‘pawn‘) shops are still open, and here you’ll find plenty of bargain basement products to take back home, where they were made.

Why not visit the Northern Rock museum? Audio accompaniment is provided. Hear the whole lunatic plan being discussed in the boardroom right down to the very last Geordie shouting “give me my fucking MONEY!”. All faithfully reproduced for your amusement.

Final day is the ‘handing of the bailout” ceremony. Exchange your unspent Darlings back to Yuan. The theme park staff all dressed in their splendid blue and white collar uniforms are then given these Darlings by officials. They in turn hand them to the unemployed townsfolk, who make a pile and burn it all, followed by much dancing and dogging.

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There are literally thousands of excellent hotels and brand new city living apartments to choose from. Book now!

The new basket will include a range of modern, everyday purchases including spats, violin cases and sheet music for Dixieland jazz.

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Nikki Hollis, said her husband Tom crumbled to ashes at the breakfast table shortly after opening a letter from his bank.

She said: “He kept telling everyone we were loaded because he’d bought ten flats on the never-never and the daft sods who were wasting their money renting them would make us into millionaires.

“He opened the letter and his face started to crumple. I thought he was crying, but he was getting more and more wrinkled. Then his hair went all long and white, then he was just a skull, and then he was gone.

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